Sunday, June 3, 2007

Congratu......never mind

So, he's here. King James takes his court to the NBA Finals. And the trumpets are blowing "Hail to the Chief" as he celebrates all the way to San Antonio after beating the Detroit Pistons in six games. Oh, wait. One problem. He's going to SAN ANTONIO.
And now the trumpets silence faster than the cantors when Hitler walked into a Bar Mitzvah. Although everyone not in a 100 mile vicinity of the AT&T is cheering for the Cleveland Lebrons when they role in on Thursday, the Spurs couldn’t care less. It’s the opposite of every movie you have ever seen about sports before: One team is the underdog with the background stories, while the other is the juggernaut that has a bunch of assholes on their team. But too bad life ain’t the movies, because Ohio’s finest has no chance.
Look at Cleveland. The superstar, the next Jordan, the King. "He’s never clutch, he can’t make free throws, he isn’t a leader yet.” But guess what, all the guys that normally are described like that are sitting home (save Duncan) and LeBron is here. He saved the ratings of the NBA from a disaster like a couple years ago while beating a possibly better team that just didn’t care for too long. It’s the sunrise of a behemoth of LeBron. And you want more stories? If Boobie isn’t the best nickname left, I don’t know what is. And he has shined, becoming the Pippen to LeBron’s rest of Chicago Bulls rosters from their championship years. And no one thought the LeBrons had a chance to make the finals, some (including me) not giving them a chance in hell to beat the Pistons, or even the Nets. But Bron Bron turned up the heat when needed to bring the Cavs to Finals.
Now take a look at their opponents. Picked to be a top contender all year long, and been in the same spot 4 of the last 9 years, the Spurs just followed the predicted. Nothing admirable or particularly great to watch. Duncan, although a complete stud, is a bore. Ginobili is a flopper (see Derek Fisher getting T’d up in game four of the Western Conference Finals), and Bowen is a person who doesn’t deserve to exist. A knee to the groin and purposely sticking his foot out to hurt another player on his landing during one series? Gimme a break. He should have been suspended twice, as well as many other times throughout the year. And the Spurs lucked out on getting Diaw and Amare suspended for Game 5 of the Suns series, with Horry being clutch again.
So we have the bully who catches the breaks and doesn’t play fair versus the first time player with the spunk and the nation behind him. If you were hoping for the Hollywood finish, too bad. If the Spurs don’t win this series, James can be inducted into the Hall of Fame when he gets his ring and will officially be eligible to start his own franchise as the (Fill in City name) LeBrons. The Spurs have the talent, defense, offense, experience, and coaching advantage in this matchup, and it seems too heavily weighted in their favor for the Cavs to breathe, let alone win a game.
And poof! You can feel all of the LeBron hype going away slowly as Tim Legler changes his mind as if he were schizophrenic, saying that LeBron still is unable to lead a team. And bye bye to the MJ, Magic, Big O, and Kobe comparisons on ESPN every night.
So I give LeBron and his rascals one clap for making it to the finals, but when HE wins, HE can have the other 359 degrees of the round of applause.

Thursday, May 31, 2007


I have received feedback saying that on my sports blog that I focus too much on sports, so today I shall lighten the emphasis and focus on the next best thing:
Porn…as it pertains to sports.
Now one might say, Ross, all guys think about is sex. I tend to agree with this, until it was confirmed when I found out about Larry Zierlin, the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line coach. Today he apologized for “accidentally” sending a group of NFL executives an explicit, pornographic video, including Mr. Fun himself, Roger Goodell. Oops, said Zierlin, I’m horrible with technology and I hit the wrong button. And now he asks us to sympathize with him for what the Steelers organization and his family will have to go through from critics.
Sympathize? Not only will I sympathize, but I will also praise this 61-year old grandpa as the person who finally understood how to loosen up the executive tightwads who carry their briefcases in their asses in NFL meetings. If this was such a mistake, why didn’t you delete the email when you first viewed it? His answer: “I'm not very good at these machines and I hit the wrong button. There's nothing else to say, no other explanation.” Nice response, that’s a perfect 0 in my book. You, my friend, are a brilliant man and should take credit for it.
I’m saying that not only was this on purpose, but that this man should be emulated in leagues worldwide to soften up the big bad business bullies. Think about the possibilities. Bud Selig staring at Jenna Jameson on his desktop. He would go from kissing his sister (see All-Star game tie) to kissing his hoes, and lord knows that he needs so relaxing after all the steroid issues. Or Gary Bettman heading the Krystal Steal Fan Club. The NHL is getting demoted to only one digital cable channel and ratings are at record lows, so why not liven up his day with a little T&A? Has anyone noticed that Goodell has made no comments regarding the video and we’ve only heard from his virgin underlings who find it offensive? That’s because he is leaning back in his swivel chair in his office, rubbing one out like all men should when things get tough. *
In homage to the great Stephen Colbert, “A tip of the hat to you”, Larry Zierlin, for your magnificent deed to the sporting world. So what if it means introducing another sin into professional athletics? If it allows the players play and brings in the fans, no harm, no foul. And if you can’t believe that porno is the is the answer to all your problems, then maybe you should get on this same list of executives to pull the log out of your ass.

*Note: Do not imagine the image depicted in this sentence. Thoughts such as these require psychiatric help, and I will not be responsible.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Free Pacman!

Yes, this is a deviation from the sport I normally write about, but the site got its name somewhere, so let me tell the tale. ‘Twas a beautiful night somewhere in the south, probably Nashville, and my good pal Adam “Pacman” Jones was out for a night on the town with his old chums. He was walking down the streets, having a merry evening and he wound up in front of a strip club. He approached the door and said to his friends, “Why I say, we should have a look inside this fancy establishment.” They entered the door and saw many women shaking their “badonkadonks” and serving alcoholic beverages, and Pacman decided to take the day off from his normal straight edge mannerisms. He went up to one of the exotic dancers and enjoyed himself while his “brothers” went along there own merry way in other parts of the club. In a joking manner, Pacman proceeded to “Make it Rain on them hoes,” like he heard in his favorite song by Fat Joe, which is the process in which one throws dollar bills at the strippers. But when he continued this festive act, the greedy owner of the club came out, stole all of innocent Pacman’s money, and ran. Pacman was outraged and ran after the owner. When the owner was too far away to shout at, Pacman took out his “gat” and shot at him to get the owner to pay attention to him. And which one of these men gets arrested? Poor ole Pacman. Ok that is not at all how it happened, except the fact that Pacman shot the dude because the owner thought he was tipping his strippers; while Pacman claims he was just festively throwing the money around. But come on, the NFL should not suspend him for the whole year for that. No one got hurt, no one lost anything, except Pac’s money, so everything should be good. But no. He is a victim. I will admit, Jones probably shouldn’t have gotten a speeding ticket and gone to another strip club the week before appealing to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, but let’s be real here. If he didn’t do that and set the tone for all those aspiring kids out there, how would they know that strip club owners are extremely selfish and steal your money like pickpockets when you made no declaration of giving strippers your money. Pacman is not a charitable guy, so I have no idea where the owner got this idea. He is a role model. And what did he do when he found out about his “fair” punishment? He manned up, and apologized to the whole state of Tennessee by taking out a full page add in the state newspaper, with a heart-felt apology to his fans telling him that he would solve his problems and make himself a better person. O.J. just said he was innocent, Kobe bought his wife a giant ring and just said he was sorry to her, Barry Bonds refused to testify to the courts, and Ron Artest just said everything was a lie and people should be nicer to him. But all these guys are still loved by someone: O.J. by USC fans and many nonbelievers, Kobe by Los Angeles, Bonds by the Yay Area, and Artest by……..Artest but his ego is at least two separate people. And none of them punished. So why should Jones lose a chance to play a whole season? No, that’s just wrong. He is a model citizen. So let’s recap, Adam “Pacman” Jones is a victim or society, a role model for inexperienced kids everywhere, and an icon for people who struggle to live their lives. I smell a power surge by Goodell and the No-Fun-League, and that’s is just horrible. I don’t care that he had a man at gunpoint that “thought” he knew Pacman. He was wrong, and so is everyone who thinks Pac should be suspended. If he can’t appeal this suspension, then I say he should run for President of the United States, with Floyd Landis as his VP. Hey, if Bush could get re-elected again, I’ll take a Jones-Landis ticket 24/7, Dre Snoop and Devean.

Smush Parker V.2

Hip Hip Hooray! He’s gone, he’s finally gone!The reign of Smush Parker has come to a magnificent end in Los Angeles, because it ends just how it never should have began. It’s like he took a paid sabbatical from being a hobo in New York to come play for the purple and gold, and now, we are sending him back home. He should thank the Lakers, because they are letting him get back to what he is best at: street ball with 17-year old high school dropouts at noon while everyone with half a brain is working a real job. He will probably try to live his life off the two years minimum salary he made, and when it runs out, well, there is always welfare!And he tried to make it seem professional. Please, William, please. You said the Lakers are going in a different direction than you. Of course they are! You won’t see Kobe Bryant on the corner of Times Square in July selling hot dogs to the kids standing outside of TRL. And despite my severe desire to see this, you won’t see Kwame Brown rolling down the center of the Bronx in 1986 Daihatsu hatchback with three minors in the back drinking cheap liquor. Instead, if you visit that side of NY, you will see one smushed NBA “player” trying to regain his glory on the blacktop, but he turned on his street buddies to go to the NBA, so why would they want him back?No, for those who don’t know much about the NBA, losing a player to homelessness isn’t bad for your reputation, and it wont hurt the Lakers in anyway. It just happens to be the happiest day in my life. He finally got what he deserved. The boot. And a pink slip.

Nba Finals pt. 2

In case everyone was deluged by all the World Cup racism issues, I have come to shed some light on the most important sporting event coming up tonight: NBA Finals Tip-Off. After mulling through the stats I have developed a simple comparison to determine who will win the cool trophy between Dallas and Miami. Offense: These two teams both have potent scorers that can put the ball in from a variety of places on the court. Nowitzki is deadly from anywhere inside the half-court line and Jason Terry and Josh Howard have both been smoking in the half and full court offense. When Howard scores 20+ points in a contest, the Mavs are 25-0. The Heat are the half-court Suns, they pound the ball inside with Shaq-fu and they cut with Dwayne Wade. If James Posey and Antoine Walker are on their game from the outside, watch out. Edge: Even Defense: In my humble opinion, this isn’t even close. Avery Johnson has brought a team that had sub par defense for many years under Don Nelson and has made them into a wall. They stopped the Phoenix Suns, who average like 100+ points per game, fairly easily. The Heat, on the other hand, play what I call matador defense: pull the cape out of the way and there is the hoop. The only way they stop the ball is with a lucky steal or Alonzo Mourning's ball swatting skills at the rim. But Nowitzki won't need to dribble if no one guards him at the land of Wingo. Edge: Dallas Coaching: Yes, Avery Johnson was the Coach of the Year and his team had the second best record in basketball, but Pat Riley is still a playbook wizard. He has coached in the playoffs countless more times than Johnson and is better at making mid-series adjustments (i.e. stopping Hinrich and Gordon, then Carter and Jefferson). As much as the Mavs might like playing for Avery, discipline gets it done when it comes down to it and Riley's bringing the whip. Edge: Miami Matchups: We all know that Shaquille is going to dominate DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier down low, and probably cause 5-10 foul outs by himself. But the same can be said about Nowitzki being guarded by Udonis Haslem, because Haslem will get lit up like a cigar Games 1-7 by the German. I also like Josh Howard against James Posey or Antoine Walker due to the duo's consistent laziness on defense that will leave Howard open for many cuts into the lane. In the backcourt, "Flash" is going to blow by Stackhouse, but that shouldn’t be a shocker. And Jason Terry is going to be huge in this series, the X-factor if you will, toasting White Chocolate daily. Edge: Dallas Bench: The Mavs use youth and quickness off the bench top rattle the opponents. Devin Harris and Marquis Daniels are going to take advantage of the aging Heat. Keith Van Horn is going to need to produce like he did in the Western Conference Finals to give the Mavs another scoring option. The Heat have got a lot of years coming off the bench in Gary Payton, Derek Anderson, Antoine Walker, and Alonzo Mourning. Maybe this bunch of seniors will return to their primes for this series. Edge: Dallas Decision: Yes, I know the Mavericks have many newcomers to real playoff basketball, playing in 430 combined playoff games compared to the Heat's 753, but I dont think that is what will matter here. The Heat look good but they might be running near empty, because Shaq can not posterize forever, he is aging and so is his senior-citizen team, save Wade. It looks like its going to be first to 100 points wins each game, and I like the fresh Dallas team over the older Miami squad. Pick: Dallas in six

Knicks blow and it is complete genius. It discusses how one of the worst owners in basketball history is running a presitigious franchise, the New York Knicks, into the ground by one bad move after the next.Starbury, The Franchise, Baby Shaq, Q-Ross. Sounds like a bunch a selfish people that dont know how to play a team sport. But hey, Larry Brown believes that it doesnt matter what positions they play, as long as you have the best available talent. On that note, Isiah Thomas and Co. might want to ship every last Knickerbocker somewhere else, because they cleraly don'y have that. There alleged best player? "Starbury" doesnt sound like a leader to me. And they cant even try to weasel their way out of this hole. They are paying 4 people over 15 million per year in 2006-2007 and it isn’t anyone worth that kind of money: Marbury, Francis, Jalen Rose, and "the human injury," Allan Houston. Houston gets 20 million to sit on his ass icing his plaguing injuries night and day while his butler feeds him grapes off a gold platter.So maybe draft picks are the best way out, find some new talent, maybe get lucky. Oh wait, you shipped away your draft pick for Eddy "Baby Shaq" Curry for the Chicago Bulls. Examine the trade, Curry saw his averages in blocks and scoring go down, while rebounding stayed about even. But Chicago gets the 2nd pick in this year's draft (although I don't think it will matter, see below) and the Phoenix Suns get Tim Thomas, who was Mr. Three-Pointer in the playoffs this year.And dont think at all that the Knicks will be able to salvage themselves very soon. By the end of the 2008-2009 season, Francis and Starbury will be the most expensive frontcourt in basketball, making a whopping 38 million combined. Too much money for two people that play the exact same way: small and selfish. And in 2007-2008, underachievers Quentin Richardson, Jamal Crawford, Malik Rose, and Jerome James will be making close to 30 million for riding the pine.I'm shocked that there have not been riots in the New York streets demanding that they do something about their poor Knicks or they will fire Isiah Thomas themselves. But James Dolan, the owner, sticks by his man, for unknown reasons. It’s not like the Knicks have been competitive or had good talent while he has been in New York.So what should Dolan be doing to fix this problem now?a) Look for free agentsb) Organize tryouts for possible draft targetsc) Discussing trades with other teams to improve in any wayd) Sending his lawyers to shut down because they made funny t-shirt with him in a dunce capIf you said a,b, or c, you were right.But guess which one he actually is doing?

NBA Finals

Mavericks versus Heat, the NBA Finals. Offense versus Offense. Probably 100 point games for both teams in all of the games. Possibly a seven game series. But the only reason I am watching is to watch the Mavs beat down Shaquille O'Neal.Even while he was in Los Angeles, I couldn't stand his baby behavior. He left town to make Kobe the villain in the situation, kicking out him and the Zen Master, but I was never on his side. Look at him, he is 50 pounds overweight while in L.A., moves to Miami, and somehow he loses the weight. He claims the coaches were telling him to do it in Miami, but do you think Jackson and Co. weren't preaching the same thing? He sat on his lazy ass for two years waiting for a pay raise, then cried his way all the way to South Beach. They threw him 20 million to play his game, but the Heat are in for a surprise when he retires in two years, especially if he wins the title this year. He leaves to the cushy life, and will screw another franchise, making the Heat pay his fat salary for two years of Shaq's Cheetos-eating, beer-drinking, ass-sitting life on the beach. He goes in front of the media and plays the funny man, but none of his fans realized that he is a complete baby and is about to ruin a Miami franchise that will be way over the salary cap. Shaq shows his stuff by complaining about Ben Wallace's amazing block by saying that "Everyone knows that was a foul, baby," denying a possible good play by a fellow athlete. He conceals his complaints and anger in witty jokes, and the media and fans soaks it up like a sponge, even though the only contact on the Ben Wallace play was Big Ben beating down an old hag. And now he claims Pat Riley is "the best coach I have ever played for." Is he out of his fathead? Phil Jackson with 9 rings, that's like two hands!!So lets move Raja Bell's comment to someone who deserves it."He is an arrogant and pompous jerk"