Thursday, May 31, 2007


I have received feedback saying that on my sports blog that I focus too much on sports, so today I shall lighten the emphasis and focus on the next best thing:
Porn…as it pertains to sports.
Now one might say, Ross, all guys think about is sex. I tend to agree with this, until it was confirmed when I found out about Larry Zierlin, the Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line coach. Today he apologized for “accidentally” sending a group of NFL executives an explicit, pornographic video, including Mr. Fun himself, Roger Goodell. Oops, said Zierlin, I’m horrible with technology and I hit the wrong button. And now he asks us to sympathize with him for what the Steelers organization and his family will have to go through from critics.
Sympathize? Not only will I sympathize, but I will also praise this 61-year old grandpa as the person who finally understood how to loosen up the executive tightwads who carry their briefcases in their asses in NFL meetings. If this was such a mistake, why didn’t you delete the email when you first viewed it? His answer: “I'm not very good at these machines and I hit the wrong button. There's nothing else to say, no other explanation.” Nice response, that’s a perfect 0 in my book. You, my friend, are a brilliant man and should take credit for it.
I’m saying that not only was this on purpose, but that this man should be emulated in leagues worldwide to soften up the big bad business bullies. Think about the possibilities. Bud Selig staring at Jenna Jameson on his desktop. He would go from kissing his sister (see All-Star game tie) to kissing his hoes, and lord knows that he needs so relaxing after all the steroid issues. Or Gary Bettman heading the Krystal Steal Fan Club. The NHL is getting demoted to only one digital cable channel and ratings are at record lows, so why not liven up his day with a little T&A? Has anyone noticed that Goodell has made no comments regarding the video and we’ve only heard from his virgin underlings who find it offensive? That’s because he is leaning back in his swivel chair in his office, rubbing one out like all men should when things get tough. *
In homage to the great Stephen Colbert, “A tip of the hat to you”, Larry Zierlin, for your magnificent deed to the sporting world. So what if it means introducing another sin into professional athletics? If it allows the players play and brings in the fans, no harm, no foul. And if you can’t believe that porno is the is the answer to all your problems, then maybe you should get on this same list of executives to pull the log out of your ass.

*Note: Do not imagine the image depicted in this sentence. Thoughts such as these require psychiatric help, and I will not be responsible.

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